Pursuing Healthy Forms of Masculinity in an era of Chaos
Blessed Are The Peacemakers
One birthday my Mom and I took the bus to my favorite mall. While sitting on the bus, I heard a man toward the back of the bus arguing with other passengers. He was shouting his opinion about the state of the world, the plight of Black people, and who was responsible. Although he started out shouting, somehow his voice would get louder and louder.
At some point, another man spoke to him in a calm voice and tried to redirect his energy. He reminded him that there were children and mothers on the bus. I remember the original man responding, “Let one of these females tell me that brother! That’s not your place to tell me to be quiet! Let one of these females do that!” Thankfully, my Mom and I reached our stop soon after and I remember being afraid that I would see or hear that man on the bus we would take to get home.
In high school, one of the guys in my grade made a big to-do when he broke up with his girlfriend. They both played sports and often the school would have the boys and girls teams play teams from the same school and ride back on the same bus. As it was told, he loudly proclaimed on the bus—so that everyone could hear—that he was not going to date her anymore and followed it with a litany of insults.
In college, a dear friend took me to the mall to get a new pair of glasses. While I was waiting, I got peckish and decided to get a pretzel and a lemonade. Since I was not there by myself, and my friend gave me a ride, I decided to get a pretzel and a lemonade for her too. I brought it to her and she burst into tears saying, “I’m sorry but this is the nicest thing a guy has ever done for me.”
For some time now I have come to believe that we all have a responsibility to unlearn the hatred we have been socialized into. As a man, I have a responsibility to continually unlearn my misogyny and to disabuse my sons of any notion that women are less than. Misogyny like all forms of hatred is insidious. We look for it in the maximalist expressions but it is nurtured in whispers. It is the steady diet of objectification through media, the “jokes”, and the way in which it compels men to believe they have the right to demand whatever they want.
Over the last three weeks there have been horrifying displays of femicide. A former Lieutenant Governor killing his wife and himself in a murder suicide. A man in Shreveport killing 8 of his own children and critically injuring two women. A man in Richmond killing his daughter and her brother while seriously injuring their mother. I have tried to wrap my mind around the type of rage and malevolence one would need to cause this level of harm. All I can say is that evil is chaos. Chaos will never make sense.
I often think of the creation story where God hovers over the chaos and turns the “formless and empty” into creation through his words. What words can we speak to tame the chaos of this hour? How can we go further upstream and speak life into the boys so that the seeds of misogyny fail to mature? Healthy examples of manhood must be modeled to inspire a way beyond the toxic masculinity that currently dominates. Boys are being lied to by influencers who are certain that one cannot truly be a man without a demonstrative hatred of women. We need to counter their messaging by promoting a sense of dignity that is grounded in love for one’s self and neighbor. The toxicity feeds upon a sincere hatred of self and a certain “not-enoughness” that spills into surrounding relationships. If that man on the bus all those years ago truly loved himself enough he would not have needed to yell and terrorize all of us on the bus with him. If my classmate loved himself he would not need to humiliate a young girl in order to feel cool. Love covers a multitude of sins and meets the needs that hatred exploits.
Jesus said, in the Sermon on the Mount, “blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons of God.” Too many of us are more invested in minding our business than interrupting hatred. We are in a crisis where the way of the strongman has found its way into our communities and homes.
Peacemaking is not passive. There is a healthy masculinity that cannot be realized if we are docile. We need to dedicate ourselves to modeling healthy masculinity for younger people and our peers. It is quite literally a matter of life and death.